Ooft.

There are very few moments where I feel at a complete loss for words, not for a lack of articulatory prowess but because the path comes to such a definitive close. I mean, when do paths ever come to a close? I'd become so used to loopholes, the present lack of choice has been stifling. Bearable but uncomfortable. Boo.

The last couple of weeks have been hard.

It's funny how the core of any belief is shrouded by a million fragments of subconscious pick-ups and tangents - half-understood phrases from a conversation almost forgotten, remain taped to an idea you end up clinging so tightly to. I never even knew it but somehow, somewhere down the track, I decided insecurities were attractive. HA. Objectively, insecurities (though skewed) are brutally honest, delicately and beautifully vulnerable. I twisted that into being ador-able; able to be adored - in a fashion similar to what I felt was Michael Cera's charm and why Alan in The Hangover was so funny.

Recent mindfucks however, have shown the inherent dangers in inverting the positive and negative traits of others because dude, it gets back to you - in a less karma-motivated way.

The tangible measurement of time is so crazy. I've been back in Sydney now, for nearly as long as I was away. I'm on the eve of my 23rd and am in a place much more solemn than where I was on my 22nd i.e. my least favourite discoteca haha which was infinitely distant from where I was on my 21st when I cried to multiple-page speeches from those who have also changed much.

So here's to the latest in a long line of annual, 'you know what I realised?' realisations that have recently, painfully been realised:

1. Honesty is not always the best policy.

2. Confidence is more often than not, unsubstantiated.

3. Silence/biting yo tongue is sometimes necessary.

and the corniest cliche that's actually proven true

4. Fuck everybody else. Be true to yourself.
(b) The ones that count will stay. X)

An excerpt.

"I phoned Midori. "I have to talk to you" I said. "I have a million things to talk to you about. A million things we have to talk about. All I want in this world is you. I want to see you and talk. I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning".

Midori responded with a long, long silence - the silence all of the misty rain in the world falling on all the new-mown lawns of the world. Forehead pressed against the glass, I shut my eyes and waited.

At last, Midori's quiet voice broke the silence: "Where are you now?"

Where was I now?

Gripping the receiver, I raised my head and turned to see what lay beyond the phone box.
Where was I now? I had no idea. No idea at all.
Where was this place?
All that flashed into my eyes were the countless shapes of people walking by to nowhere.
Again and again I called out for Midori from the dead centre of this place
that was no place."

- "Norwegian Wood" by Haruki Murakami

A pattern emerging.

So it seems April is the month when it finally hits home that the new year has begun. Time slash my mental timeframe is surprisingly pretty consistent... Between dinners and coffees and picnics and starting a million books and convincing myself that the next week will finally be the week when I go to bikram yoga, there's this tiny, tiny, temporary moment of April clarity when I digest how much and how little has happened. It takes 4 months. (- not gonna lie; that's a pretty poor effort. blergh. Slow.)

For one thing, I've found my ultimate shower gel. When I think about how my skin wasn't exposed to this deliciousness till last week, I cry a little inside. For the past few days, getting up has been slightly easier knowing that I have this smell to look forward to hahaha! In having said this, too much of a good thing always ends up wasted on me (/sigh) so while it's still exciting and new, I'm putting it out there. - hope I never become numb to the amazing tingling freshness that is this bottle of SSSMAD : http://www.originalsource.com.au/skin-care-products/mint-and-tea-tree-shower-gel .

I've found a nail-polish that's the same colour as my skin. Where does my nail start and my finger end? It's fucking magic.

I'm currently typing this on a Thinkpad. A Lenovo. It's been days since I've even turned my Macbook on. and on that note - I didn't get an iPhone4. and it wasn't for a Blackberry.

My feet haven't grown - I've found at near-23, a UK size 3 is still a little big.

My skin has darkened enough to wear the blush that I couldn't wear for most of the Milan winter because back then, in my former, whiter glory - it made me look like a clown.

I lost in the fight for the bachelor(ette) pad.

I've learnt to pump gas - not that I ever call it gas in real life.

My brothers suddenly became older.

I realised I liked camping.

Marriages and mortgages have begun to pop up in conversation.

I have a job interview tomorrow- not that I really know what I want... still.


/hmm. it's crazy to think that there was a point in my life when at this time during the night, I had nothing more to do than listen to BSB and read up facts on Nick Carter. His favourite colour is green. THANK GOD I'VE GROWN OUT OF THAT.

still. I wonder if you wake up and suddenly find yourself 47 - still as korean and unkorean as that 12yo fangirl. and I hope then- even in my mid-life crisis, shower gel will be enough. bahahahahahahahaha

Expectations.

1. Mormon Christmas carols still bring festive cheer.

2. Concerts are automatically more fun when bought last-minute, on a wednesday night.

3. The receiving end of non-compulsory christmas presents!

4. The other end of an unreciprocated swap.

5. After all these years, the hamburger just isn't everything that it's cracked up to be.

6. Drawing "the feeling".

7. Just know that I'm missing you more because you're not here. X

Hmm.

Seeing all the church-shenanigans filling up my facebook wall punches me head-on as to how much I've changed. And if such dramatic change (despite it being prolonged for 1/4 of my life) is possible, what changes lie in wait in my future? I honestly don't know. Nevers. Alwayses. Definites. If anything, I can only say that I now believe in the danger of using absolutes. My belief in a steadfast, omnipotent God has transformed into a belief in the need for disclaimers.

I always catch myself in shock as to what I could have been, what I could have wanted/ read/ prayed for. Seeing the transformation and conversations between some of my closest childhood friends from the same suburban, Korean- Australian upbringing - it's not hard to imagine that that could have been me. We're not that different. And yet we are. And it never ceases to surprise me that that small, tiny difference makes all the difference.

"But if we betray B., for whom we betrayed A., it does not necessarily follow that we have placated A... The first betrayal is irreparable. It calls forth a chain reaction of further betrayals, each of which takes us farther and farther away from the point of our original betrayal" - Milan Kundera

(On a completely unrelated note: I want to buy flares. Denim flares. Or maybe even flare tights. I saw this image some time ago on The Sartorialist (and can't be bothered to go searching for it in the backlog to post it here) and can't get it out of my mind. In having said that though, I'd need some height for that to work. That, or weightloss. One thing I definitely appreciate -that's paralleled with religion in general- is self discipline. I NEED TO BAN MYSELF FROM STRESS-EATING FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.)

This week has been a good week.

1. Are you japanese? x 2
2. Are you korean? x 1
3. My three favourite things combined - olives + bread + free.
4. Catching up with an italian friend, in Sydney (!) (!)
5. Home-made chorizo salad.
6. 2 glasses of ro-say with dinner.
7. Learning korean culture from two white guys.
8. Hydro-care Nivea lipbalm.
9. Improvements in new-dart drawings.
10. Hot face masks. (MY SKIN WAS MOIST AND FRESH AND CLEAN for a grand total of 12 HOURS from the time I put it on, washed it off and before I slept till the time I put on my face this morning)

Needless to say, studying hasn't been going so well.