Self indulgent.

Ooft.

2011-06-23T16:44:00.012+02:00

There are very few moments where I feel at a complete loss for words, not for a lack of articulatory prowess but because the path comes to such a definitive close. I mean, when do paths ever come to a close? I'd become so used to loopholes, the present lack of choice has been stifling. Bearable but uncomfortable. Boo.

The last couple of weeks have been hard.

It's funny how the core of any belief is shrouded by a million fragments of subconscious pick-ups and tangents - half-understood phrases from a conversation almost forgotten, remain taped to an idea you end up clinging so tightly to. I never even knew it but somehow, somewhere down the track, I decided insecurities were attractive. HA. Objectively, insecurities (though skewed) are brutally honest, delicately and beautifully vulnerable. I twisted that into being ador-able; able to be adored - in a fashion similar to what I felt was Michael Cera's charm and why Alan in The Hangover was so funny.

Recent mindfucks however, have shown the inherent dangers in inverting the positive and negative traits of others because dude, it gets back to you - in a less karma-motivated way.

The tangible measurement of time is so crazy. I've been back in Sydney now, for nearly as long as I was away. I'm on the eve of my 23rd and am in a place much more solemn than where I was on my 22nd i.e. my least favourite discoteca haha which was infinitely distant from where I was on my 21st when I cried to multiple-page speeches from those who have also changed much.

So here's to the latest in a long line of annual, 'you know what I realised?' realisations that have recently, painfully been realised:

1. Honesty is not always the best policy.

2. Confidence is more often than not, unsubstantiated.

3. Silence/biting yo tongue is sometimes necessary.

and the corniest cliche that's actually proven true

4. Fuck everybody else. Be true to yourself.
(b) The ones that count will stay. X)

An excerpt.

2011-06-14T08:34:00.002+02:00

"I phoned Midori. "I have to talk to you" I said. "I have a million things to talk to you about. A million things we have to talk about. All I want in this world is you. I want to see you and talk. I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning".

Midori responded with a long, long silence - the silence all of the misty rain in the world falling on all the new-mown lawns of the world. Forehead pressed against the glass, I shut my eyes and waited.

At last, Midori's quiet voice broke the silence: "Where are you now?"

Where was I now?

Gripping the receiver, I raised my head and turned to see what lay beyond the phone box.
Where was I now? I had no idea. No idea at all.
Where was this place?
All that flashed into my eyes were the countless shapes of people walking by to nowhere.
Again and again I called out for Midori from the dead centre of this place
that was no place."

- "Norwegian Wood" by Haruki Murakami

A pattern emerging.

2011-04-18T13:52:00.009+02:00

So it seems April is the month when it finally hits home that the new year has begun. Time slash my mental timeframe is surprisingly pretty consistent... Between dinners and coffees and picnics and starting a million books and convincing myself that the next week will finally be the week when I go to bikram yoga, there's this tiny, tiny, temporary moment of April clarity when I digest how much and how little has happened. It takes 4 months. (- not gonna lie; that's a pretty poor effort. blergh. Slow.)

For one thing, I've found my ultimate shower gel. When I think about how my skin wasn't exposed to this deliciousness till last week, I cry a little inside. For the past few days, getting up has been slightly easier knowing that I have this smell to look forward to hahaha! In having said this, too much of a good thing always ends up wasted on me (/sigh) so while it's still exciting and new, I'm putting it out there. - hope I never become numb to the amazing tingling freshness that is this bottle of SSSMAD : http://www.originalsource.com.au/skin-care-products/mint-and-tea-tree-shower-gel .

I've found a nail-polish that's the same colour as my skin. Where does my nail start and my finger end? It's fucking magic.

I'm currently typing this on a Thinkpad. A Lenovo. It's been days since I've even turned my Macbook on. and on that note - I didn't get an iPhone4. and it wasn't for a Blackberry.

My feet haven't grown - I've found at near-23, a UK size 3 is still a little big.

My skin has darkened enough to wear the blush that I couldn't wear for most of the Milan winter because back then, in my former, whiter glory - it made me look like a clown.

I lost in the fight for the bachelor(ette) pad.

I've learnt to pump gas - not that I ever call it gas in real life.

My brothers suddenly became older.

I realised I liked camping.

Marriages and mortgages have begun to pop up in conversation.

I have a job interview tomorrow- not that I really know what I want... still.

/hmm. it's crazy to think that there was a point in my life when at this time during the night, I had nothing more to do than listen to BSB and read up facts on Nick Carter. His favourite colour is green. THANK GOD I'VE GROWN OUT OF THAT.

still. I wonder if you wake up and suddenly find yourself 47 - still as korean and unkorean as that 12yo fangirl. and I hope then- even in my mid-life crisis, shower gel will be enough. bahahahahahahahaha

Expectations.

2010-12-18T14:26:00.004+01:00

1. Mormon Christmas carols still bring festive cheer.

2. Concerts are automatically more fun when bought last-minute, on a wednesday night.

3. The receiving end of non-compulsory christmas presents!

4. The other end of an unreciprocated swap.

5. After all these years, the hamburger just isn't everything that it's cracked up to be.

6. Drawing "the feeling".

7. Just know that I'm missing you more because you're not here. X

Hmm.

2010-11-01T08:45:00.006+01:00

Seeing all the church-shenanigans filling up my facebook wall punches me head-on as to how much I've changed. And if such dramatic change (despite it being prolonged for 1/4 of my life) is possible, what changes lie in wait in my future? I honestly don't know. Nevers. Alwayses. Definites. If anything, I can only say that I now believe in the danger of using absolutes. My belief in a steadfast, omnipotent God has transformed into a belief in the need for disclaimers.

I always catch myself in shock as to what I could have been, what I could have wanted/ read/ prayed for. Seeing the transformation and conversations between some of my closest childhood friends from the same suburban, Korean- Australian upbringing - it's not hard to imagine that that could have been me. We're not that different. And yet we are. And it never ceases to surprise me that that small, tiny difference makes all the difference.

"But if we betray B., for whom we betrayed A., it does not necessarily follow that we have placated A... The first betrayal is irreparable. It calls forth a chain reaction of further betrayals, each of which takes us farther and farther away from the point of our original betrayal" - Milan Kundera

(On a completely unrelated note: I want to buy flares. Denim flares. Or maybe even flare tights. I saw this image some time ago on The Sartorialist (and can't be bothered to go searching for it in the backlog to post it here) and can't get it out of my mind. In having said that though, I'd need some height for that to work. That, or weightloss. One thing I definitely appreciate -that's paralleled with religion in general- is self discipline. I NEED TO BAN MYSELF FROM STRESS-EATING FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.)

This week has been a good week.

2010-10-28T12:54:00.004+02:00

1. Are you japanese? x 2
2. Are you korean? x 1
3. My three favourite things combined - olives + bread + free.
4. Catching up with an italian friend, in Sydney (!) (!)
5. Home-made chorizo salad.
6. 2 glasses of ro-say with dinner.
7. Learning korean culture from two white guys.
8. Hydro-care Nivea lipbalm.
9. Improvements in new-dart drawings.
10. Hot face masks. (MY SKIN WAS MOIST AND FRESH AND CLEAN for a grand total of 12 HOURS from the time I put it on, washed it off and before I slept till the time I put on my face this morning)

Needless to say, studying hasn't been going so well.

Food for thought

2010-10-06T16:14:00.008+02:00

Jonestown
("This is part 1 of the entire PBS Documentary of Jonestown: The Life and Death of Peoples Temple. Featuring never-before-seen footage, this documentary delivers a startling new look at the Peoples Temple, headed by preacher Jim Jones who, in 1978, led more than 900 members to Guyana, where he orchestrated a mass suicide via tainted punch. For more information about Peoples Temple and Jamestown, visit these links: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peoples_... and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonestown")

Other documentaries I want to watch-
1. Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father

("2008 American documentary film conceived and created by Kurt Kuenne. Kuenne's close friend Andrew Bagby was murdered by Shirley Jane Turner after Bagby ended their tumultuous relationship. Shortly after she was arrested, she announced she was pregnant with Bagby's child, a boy she named Zachary. Kuenne decided to interview numerous relatives, friends, and associates of Andrew Bagby and incorporate their loving remembrances into a film that would serve as a cinematic scrapbook for the son who never knew him".)

2. Born into Brothels
3. The Cove
4. For the Bible tells me so
5. Milk
6. The Up Series
7. An Inconvenient Truth
8. Food Inc.
9. That one about Vogue... I can't remember... but it looked interesting.

Might as well watch some educational shiz considering LOST has gone up and finished. Now I have nothing to look forward to but Modern Family which is only 20 minutes long. man. I love Cam. I love Phil. HA

"Claire's a perfectionist, which sometimes, is a good thing.. like when it comes to picking a husband" (Insert dorky grin) i.e.

(HAAAAAAs!!!)

(ok. back to finishing off Jonestown. so intriguing but so. heavy.)

Anya Marina and Yiruma have been playing on repeat.

2010-10-02T17:14:00.005+02:00

(Re: Korean thoughts. I still get that unexpected surge of pride when I find out that another korean brother from another mother is famous - whether it be Margaret Cho or Yiruma- a pianist who until 10 minutes ago, I thought was Japanese.)

There's a certain whimsy that comes with distance. Possibly because it tries to defy the underlying truth of our 'out of sight, out of mind' nature (?) The whimsy is currently being exacerbated by the ah-muh-zingly simple yet beautiful piano melody I've got going in the background. Maybe in the same way it's so much easier to reveal secrets to strangers, it's so much easier to reminisce; to miss than to live. Act. Now.

I haven't spent an entire weekend at home since coming back from Milan. Having 2 reports due Monday and a 30% cray-cray due on Wednesday doesn't shine lightly on a chinese laundered saturday notte.

I even semi-cleaned yesterday.

My wardrobe no longer feels so foreign.

I can't describe how happy this makes me feel.

despite not having moved out.

and my nose being full of snot.

In other news, when I start speaking italian in my dreams, after a while, I have to concentrate so hard on conjugating and remembering verbs that I unconsciously wake myself up. This has happened twice in the last week and a half. Clearly italian failings persist beyond geographical whimsy. Lovely.

Unnecessaries. (my writing included)

2010-09-28T15:40:00.008+02:00

The idea of eating a carrot actually excites me at 11:30pm. Don't know whether it's because I've been procrastinating on random blogs and just ended with the picture of a model with an orange blazer (light in fabric but intense in colour - too bad it'd antagonise the colour of my skin. actually I don't know if clothing can be thought to berate skin - even in the most stretched-out metaphor but I'm going to go with it.) or whether I'm just hungry (again) - this time for the crunch.

If I could completely redecorate my room it would have only the bare essentials. A white backdrop. 1 large framed picture - leaning on the wall but large enough to fill most of the wall's height. Either a painting. maybe The Kiss by Klimt. a billboard sign (?) - HA or a magazine cover. books lining the bottom of the walls on all sides. I want my wardrobe to be spacious because I want it to be filled with space. Only a few higher-quality pieces I would want to die in. Lacking dresses. Comfortable higher-quality hahaha. Nude jumpsuits. Long maxis. Maybe some height then. More shoes than clothes.

Moisturiser on my vanity. and maybe mascara. but moisturiser as my one, prized essential piece. Different tubs of moisturiser for different parts of my body. It'd be awesome if my calves smelt different to my knees which would smell different to my elbows which would smell different to my hands. Maybe over time the smells would overpower each other and my nose would stop functioning - then I'd be left with babysmoothskin and only one, much larger tub (so eventually multi-purpose).

I'd only have 3 things in my refrigerator - spinach salad leaves, green olives with pits and red wine.

Currently, I have too.much.stuff.

Right now, in my room, in my line of vision, I can see two (different) joke champagne flutes, 2 near-empty water bottles - one was still mount franklin and the other sparkling. 2 huge mugs which I've never used - one baby pink, the other baby blue. my room is less than 4x4 square metres. I don't even bring water back into my room. although now, ngl, I'm thirsty.

n.b. (In this same position, I can also currently see 1 hand moisturiser, 1 olive-scented body moisturiser, 1 vitamin C infused face moisturiser, 1 clinique fairly heavy facial moisturiser, 1 tinted moisturiser with sunscreen, 1 nivea sunscreen, 1 white illuminating korean sunscreen, 1 mango body butter. I wonder how many I actually have. Anyway. They can all stay.)

"They always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself" - Andy Warhol

2010-09-02T16:22:00.009+02:00

(I'm once again procrastinating. My 40% assessment is closer and closer to not being finished by tomorrow. Tomorrow's already come actually, considering it's 12:46am and here I am on a blog that was/is on the brink of death.)

To start with the obvious. I'm back in Sydney. It feels Sydney-ish. The rucola tastes different here. I miss the bitter strength of that familiar spiky, green leaf. and that huge bag for 2 euro was always such a bargain too. Everything Milano related has been stained with whimsy. Flutterbyes. Days rolled into moments of only the absolute best.

In having said that though, Sydney is not so bad. (I still heave a sigh of relief everytime I admit it to myself.) Regarding hair-length- I'm gradually reaching prime-length. Regarding my ever-growing physique of eating away my studies : negative relapse. HA.

Sydney stories are actually, slowly unfolding (!) How exciting. How exciting that I'm sincerely a little excited (!) All those fears for returning to monotony (though not completely unfounded) are currently being kept at bay. This makes me happy. Gah. I'm such a dork. Readily, accessible childhood friends still exist (!) - and I'd never appreciated the true value of such connections till I met George Jiang hahaha who's now redoing Milano in China. For 2 years. A childhood of temporary whiffs of settled life and friendships is void of the beauty of the reliable and the everyday; the Desmond (from LOST) - not to say that I can appreciate the latter to its fullest but here I am, finally toasting to its existence.

(and now, !! an unexpected phone call re: FREE HOTEL ROOM tomorrow night at Star City with a girrrrlfrand. This is enough motivation for me to finish up my paper. and has completely changed the softness of my train of thought to intense anticipation for the weekend hahahahaha)

I still wish some things were different... but am not collapsing under the weight of hypotheticals. (Immense gratitude (to myself) for that haha.)

P.S. (I found Ferragamo in a shitty little second-hand shop off Crown) :)

P.P.S. (I still miss you Brans - I hope that; unlike so much of the rest, doesn't go away too quickly) X

Best friendships were made here.

2010-05-18T02:12:00.007+02:00

And you'll never fully know them personally. You'll never see the dynamics. You'll never see that we got past serious tension to become close- truly argumentative (HA) but amazingly close. (:'()

Vinci leaves forever on Thursday.

Morning sickness

2010-04-19T04:10:00.021+02:00

(Why do I always ruin amazing days with sleepless nights of nothing thoughts that rot the brain? Ergh.)

Law's been visiting from Sydney. AND IT HAS BEEN SO SO GREAT. No sarcasm at all. Traveling and discovering Italia together whilst rehashing high school memories that although have dwindled to small and on my part- less exaggerated stories HAHAHA are still fun to go through. The fact that uncertainty between stories of what actually was though, is -not gonna lie- surprising considering it's only been a couple of years since these supposed happenings actually happened. (On the other hand, I can't believe I'm almost a uni degree away from the drama of year12 formal and who eventually asked who.)

Regardless, this entire time I've been ticking things off on my 'MUST DO IN ITALIA WITHIN 1 YEAR' list.

Two of which I could finally physically cross off-
1. Wine tasting
2. Rolling in the Tuscan countryside

What I again (naiively) failed to fully recognise though was the reality of time that I was dealing with; the length of time this 1 year timeframe signifies/d. Every day is/was an actual day. Days add/ed up to actual months. You mentioned it Simon, that this wasn't Neverland but it never quite hit home till I could physically see it.

I thought that I'd learnt so much and become so much bigger whilst being over here but I always give myself more credit than is deserved. The hole that I'm finally acknowledging between homes and the distance between Sydney and Milano is... ergh. Non lo so. I mean. It exists. haha

I know that in the summer Australians wear Havianas everywhere. I know that everyone wears them to uni. I know that Sunfat wears them rain, hail or shine. I remember having to readjust my brain to think of different possible shoes I could wear that would be just as comfortable, just as readily worn when I wanted to rush outside for a quick second after the first couple of stare-downs I received when I walked into a restaurant with them in Milan. Maybe it's my fault for being caught in peer-pressure... but after months and months of only using them around the house to and from the shower (and in the shower because I've become a little more OCD in that respect) I caught myself questioning why Law would possibly wear them out in public when we went for a grocery run today. I caught myself thinking how strange they looked especially because he was wearing jeans and a sweater, showing both how cold the weather was because they're both long-sleeve arm and leg-length-wise (and how impractical the footwear was in keeping the body warm) and how contrasting in formality they were.. does this even make sense?

Ergh.
Pictures make it easier.

18th October 2009

17th April 2010 (inadvertently 6 months later)

/Bittersweet.

(...btw. No. I'm not pregnant)
/that's a little awkward. hahaha

Time flies.

2010-04-04T03:04:00.006+02:00

It's already the 4th day of the 4th month of Twentyten.

Achievements.

2010-03-29T20:26:00.006+02:00

I dreamt in italian last night.

(Only a couple of sentences to my affa that I knew he couldn't understand... but still. It was the first time.)

Hometown Glory. By Adele.

2010-03-03T03:24:00.003+01:00

I miss everything. Miss Milano (whilst I'm still here). Miss everybody from last semester. Miss the prospect of missing everyone from this semester. Missing everyone from Sydney. Not missing Saesoon. Missing everything else hahahahaha

Don't know whether it's the 3:36am birra talking. Or whether this is me. Unexplained. Unbroken. Ungeneralised. Un-everything.

Am loving the simplicity and transparency of life. Where one day is just a play day, where one moment is a choice between clubbing and going back home to sleep- where reality is nothing. Between Gucci chocolates and Maccas dinners.

How am I going to go back to a reality where brothers exist? Where home is a $70 taxi ride? Where asian is no longer exotic? Where fashion week is a remote, European concept?

Vieni qui bitches. Per favore.

A different view of realistic.

2010-02-21T15:35:00.012+01:00

There's a guy here who's pursuing a relationship with one of my closest friends from last semester. She lives in upstate New York. He's italian. He lives in southern Italy. Puglia. I'd always thought I was a realist. I'd always believed long-distance would never work and more than never working, living in the constant pressure of reliving the past in an attempt to continue a relationship in two obviously different presents would instead hamper them both from actually living.

I had a really long and interesting conversation with him about this... And finally began to realise why Italy is the country renowned for being all roses, serenades, gondola-men, passion and love. Amore. His argument: impossible is nothing. And it was surprisingly logical.

In the Italian dorm that I stayed in last semester, most of the friends I made who were in relationships were in relationships with girls from their hometowns. Obviously the most pointed difference is that it costs a lot less to travel down the country for a weekend than to fly across the Atlantic? Pacific? (Why is my geography so amazing. Sigh. I looked it up. Atlantic.) Not to mention the significance of time and the lack of a time difference within the same country.

I still wouldn't do it. But I am genuinely happy for the two are actually making it work. Trying to make it work.

I feel like on one hand, love is so much more superficial here. He has a penchant for all things New York. It was the first thing I noticed about him. His room has a numberplate from the city. He has posters of the grey NYC skyline dotted with only one other colour- the famous yellow cabs. He noticed her accent as being New-Yorker before she introduced where she was from. I'm surprised I remember this much. But I remember thinking whether he would have liked her if she hadn't been from there.

On the other hand, months on- she's gone and he's organising trips back to see her. It's deeper than just a fling. Maybe the right word for it is quick. Rather than superficial. I don't know.

I mean. There's a guy here who's a friend of a friend. We went to the same afterparty for the same girl after her graduation and I never talked to him, we were never introduced. He would have been literally no-one to me if he hadn't hooked up with another one of my friends haha. But after, he asked about me specifically to our mutual friend. And it's been 3 months and he wants to meet up. Is this simply Italy?

What about the rest of the world?

What happens after this? After studying abroad for a year? Becoming best friends with people who are literally. millions. of miles (Am. so. ashamed) (but give me alliteration points haha) away and share the more common view of "out of sight/out of mind"-ness. It's all worth it in the end but ERGH. How can you really refute physical distance? A passing comment about the futility of these friendships is plaguing me a little..

(Although haha. I can't believe I'm starting to find the idealist in me.)
(Fatt. You would be proud.)

Second Chances

2010-02-05T16:29:00.003+01:00

I'm back in Milan. It's snowing really heavily actually. I was going to move out to my new apartment today but that's obviously not going to happen... There's a solid foot of snow (and obviously I'm hanging around with too many americans) and it's only getting deeper.

It feels really strange to be back to be honest... In both the good and the bad. It's comforting to know that no matter where you go, when you return, things remain more or less the same. I don't know whether I'm referring to Sydney or Milan actually.. but after Christmas and New Years and the luggage disaster (btw- I got it back. Took me a day out of my time and effort with no word of any sort of compensation on their fucking part but. No worries. I have it back. SIGH OF RELIEF) I've returned to familiar streets, familiar eateries, familiar everything minus the people... (I miss them).

I failed to do a lot of things last semester. Procrastination and my constant (will get to this later) attitude are poor habits that I'm making character traits out of. Have stepped up my game in some respects- I went to a GAME finally after 6months of being here.. but am still me. The lazy, unkempt, mess of a person me. Damn it. hahaha

I never realised how indecisive I was. Crinkles my nose in disgust.

Dam(n) leak.

2010-01-17T23:08:00.004+01:00

Today I went and saw Romeo and Juliet (the ballet) in here. for 9ööHUF = 5 bux (''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' cue exclamation marks)

Naturally amazing.

and yesterday I stumbled across the second half of my 4 unit major work through dance.. Was so inspiring. and as I watched, it started to fill up a hole that I hadn't thought about for years... :) The fact that those same thoughts that had caused me so much distress were personified through dance. That somebody else had felt the same. I don't know how to put it. I still don't know what it is exactly but I think a strong part of everything was the fact that I felt totally isolated and unable to convey what I meant. I still don't. Reread 2 sentences above. But obviously if dances are being made on the matter- I'm not. I wasn't in it alone. Ya know? I don't know.. Need to journal this properly.. but not gonna lie- went out to party till the early morn a couple of hours later with newfound friends haha (best of both worlds, I say)

My christmas-january has been filled with so much juice and so much information, though provoking sights and artworks and lifestyles. In Barcelona alone- GAUDI.

God damn. The man is a genius. His buildings are a true testament to the fact that anything. Anything is possible with enough confidence. How to gain that confidence is another matter.. but the buildings were insane. I would have thought architecturally impossible- I'm sure he had just as many downers in his time saying his buildings couldn't be done but he proved them all wrong. Freak.

Copenhagen. Christiania.

Amsterdam. Weed.

But anyway. That's not the point of today.

I have no clothes. Literally.

I'd been patient. Semipatient. They all know who I am by my voice (the lost and found people), I'd called them so many times.. but having been told a million and one different things, only today did the airline finally admit that they weren't entirely sure where my checked in luggage was. I still have the most important things with me like my coat, scarf, leather jacket (don't know what I would have done if I'd lost this) but I've been wearing the exact same thing morning to night to sleep. Clubbing. Sightseeing. FOR 5 NIGHTS AND 4 DAYS. and my eyes are hurting because my contacts have been in for that entire time... This entire time I've been here I've just been waiting. Obviously shouting into the phone and making sure I could do everything I could possibly do to get my luggage back asap but never fully actualising the thought that potentially, it had been lost. When I go back to Milan, I'll have no clothes but the clothes on my back. I have no jeans. No tops (except for a couple of singlets inc. that red kookai one) Every single piece of winter clothing inc pyjamas was in that bag. Every stocking. Tights. Pants. Every bra. Every piece of underwear (of which I had 12). Every sock. I don't have that many clothes, I realise because I could make it all fit. I don't have my chargers (phone and camera) nor their adaptors. I don't have my scarves (that beige one from Sydney, the italian one, the one my danish friend got me for Christmas. My one Christmas present that somebody gave me... my parents aren't that into it) My 21st birthday present from my parents. The only big present I've received because like I said, we really. Really aren't that into giving them... obviously they give me things throughout LIFE. but again, am gonna assume you know what I mean.

I cried in the toilet of that Opera House. I went into the performance half an hour late. I'm here. I really am having the time of my life but jjom gosehnghaessor. these past couple of days. I'm in Budapest making new friends. Saying goodbe just as quickly as they head off to their next destination tbh. But I'm here alone. (I miss you guys :( )

Fail.

2009-12-15T21:29:00.006+01:00

Over-romanticising refound confidence has made me realise that I still have a long way to go. The best I can be, even just days after writing it has become too vague. I'm still fueled with the essence of it but no. Practicalities needed.

.

Man. I was thinking today- exchange isn't for everyone. Everyone's here for different reasons but this actually is unique. We've all come to the same place to live. Temporarily. But still live. Travel is a different story- that I think is and should be for everyone. But not necessarily living abroad... People are missing home. Counting down the days. I mean.. I miss home too... but I'm really not ready to leave yet. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to leave. And even when I do, I know Korea is next on the agenda. New York and an extended trip to South America definitely before I hit 30. And I've realised- these are trips that I've planned for by myself. Which is even rarer. Stranger somewhat. I feel like I must somehow, be more unsettled (?) to need to take such drastic measures to find this -ness that I'm trying to find haha

And I don't really know what I'm looking for.

That could be some Ashley Tisdale song. Maybe I actually should call this (Willgettothislater) = (LookingforJuribrandi). Credit Young. But then I'll just go drown myself IN MY TEENYBOPPERED TEARS because life wouldn't be worth living anymore hahahaha

Ergh. I really need to study. Tis crunch time hence the procrastination. hahahahahahahahahha

Perche?

2009-12-10T14:29:00.008+01:00

In italian. Why and because are the same word. I like that its context gives the word its meaning... which is strange because I'd always loved it when the right word could stand by itself in any context and add extra flavour. That same, original, right flavour.

Haha. I'm such a dork.

Christmas is right around the corner. In less than 2 weeks, people that I've hung out with, 'taken' coffee with, created all my Italian firsts with, crushed on, drunk with, American-ised with are leaving. You know how in the movies the main character looks fucking dazed and everyone else is FF-ed around her. Welcome to my current state.

I couldn't sleep yesterday. In the silence of the morning I lay in bed and looked around. This has been my last 4-5 months. My white, italian, dorm-like, Ikea-ed room. The cleaning lady came in yesterday so on top of everything else, it was unnaturally clean. When we first arrived, the exchange office was handing out pamphlets on the "International Guide to Milan" with the theme capitalised as Welcome to the best time of your life. Months on, everyone's running questions and answers; concluding their time abroad. Readying themselves to finish everything up, study for the first time in months, only whispering the quiet thoughts of an imminent goodbye in case voicing it should speed things up.

And yet. I'll. still be here.

I've come a long way. I catch myself offhand, actually understanding what a child is saying to their mother. The one-sided conversation of a man talking to his lover. Ordering food. I've still got an even longer way to go... considering I talk to the receptionist in english. Complete english. Or broken. Broken. Embarrassingly awkward, grammar-less italian nouns. Haha. But argh! :)

I'm so lucky. This really is.has been. such a dream. Really has been the time of my life.

When I came, I didn't really know what I wanted to achieve. In the plane-letters, my lack of love-life was pretty UP THERE on the list of priorities I needed to work on. It was almost embarrassing counting the sheer number of references to my italian-stallion-to-be. I think I'd always been scared that my TIME TO SHINE would/had passed me by. That I'd be left alone like my single aunt who'd celebrated her 30th birthday annually for the last decade. That all my insecurities and constant over-thinking, over-analysing would render me useless romantically. I'm sorry to say... but I haven't yet found him. I still haven't quite let myself be preyed upon completely hahaha

But I am finally starting to find confidence. Because the potentials are there. Well, not really. Considering they're all leaving to return home now hahahaha. But still. They were there. Prancing in front of me. I have this image of lanky dancing when I mix the word "prancing" with a guy. What a turn-off. hahahahaha. Why do I do this to myself.

Regardless.

This time. I think I know what I want out of the next semester.

I want to leave. the best that I can be. In every sense I can think of. Experience the most I can and explore and eat as much of Europe as I can. I want to stomp grapes. And start to understand myself, not only on a personal level but practically re: jobs. For my future. My life. In Sydney. With a commerce degree. Perche? Perche although unlike everyone else, I'm still here. Best times of our lives are only temporary.

A quiet moment.

2009-11-17T23:18:00.000+01:00

I wish I could blog what I've been doing. Traveling. Drinking. Actually living those amazing travel stories you hear about. Io voglio... ma non stasera. Maybe I will at another time... But no promises there. Maybe I should call this my fail-blog. The actual blog-stuff, I feel like I leave to skype.

Am currently listening to Imogen Heap's Hide and Seek on a million times repeat. It reaches into my calloused heart and stirs something that I can't quite recognise. It makes me feel human. Emotional.

I am loving exchange, not only for Italy and Europe and the food and the language but because of who I see. Who I am. In clearer eyes. With a genuine gratitude to myself that I am still the same. That I'm still unable to see all the dirty jokes straight away. To still be the innocent asian. To be loud. To read by myself. To walk. To sing loudly, proudly but not be able to name a million artists off the top of my head. And yet start to stretch beyond the limitations I'd set for myself.

Because I had set them all. For myself.

It's so. liberating.

... e. sono. felice.

Ora.. ho solo bisogno di imparare a prendere questo ritorno a Sydney...

Immediate differences.

2009-11-10T12:41:00.002+01:00

Alot of people are blogging on their Milan exchange and I've found that there's a profound difference between mine and theirs.

Mine doesn't tell.

Potete immaginare è tempo di esami?

2009-10-25T19:23:00.000+01:00

I'm starting to live here. My room is full of awesome. We went (Siamo andato) (I love it when I can actually say things in italian hahaha) to Ikea the other day. I have a lamp. (Ho avuto una lampada) I have a blanket. I have a cover for my blanket which cost me 9 euros. Amazing! (said in a british accent) I don't know if I actually said this in Sydney. I don't think I did.

I have a full length mirror. I nearly cried with excitement. Vanity, oh vanities. I think that's how Ecclesiastes begins. Ma anyway. Mia camera qui is starting to feel more like 'my' room than back at home... Crazy. Though that's not to say that I'm not still playing the tourist card. As sad as it is. I am. I continue to.

Sydney on the other hand, seems like such a drowning melody of church-goings lately. Facebook gives me that impression. I guess it was like this before I left. It simply wasn't fully realised because I was living it. Who will I return to? Who will I return as? These questions are starting to plague me just a little... but not too much. I am in Italia after all and I'll continue to be here for a while... My blog title really does reflect that part of my character. Damn . haha

In other news. I made friends with the local han-gook shik pum jom ajumma and ajoshi. hahahahahahaha I'd been there before and bought some precious, long-awaited KIMCHI. But they welcomed me with truly open arms the second time round. I have mandu, soy sauce, gochu garu. I need to buy sun dubu next time. and then I can make jjigae. Omg. Every drop of kimchi is so precious to me. You know the end of the cabbage where all the leaves join together? I put that into my ramyun and I ended up eating it. I can't remember the last time I did this. This may have been the first time. Squelching the juice from the ramyun from what was hard cabbage = heaven. FREAKING YUM. I mean, I am australian. When I see fobs here, I speak to them in english. Maybe some broken korean that I loosely throw in there for kicks. But when it comes to my diet. We are one. hahahahahahahahahahahaha As much as I hate the bap stylings of my halmonni day in and day out. I can't go without it. Io non posso.

(RE: OTHER ASIAN CRAVINGS. I really want to eat a freshly made (dough included) chinese dumpling. Chinatown style. OH GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD. Also I really want wallnamssam. I need to find pi. And wollamguksu. I haven't heard anyone even SPEAK vietnamese here. It's a distinctive-sounding language. Please eat these and think of me.)

Have been thunking what to do around January. I looked up flights to Korea from here. I miss my brothers. I miss my family. Was thinking of going for just a month to see Ronald-bear at least. But fail. 800 euro round trip? and I'm here. Europe. THIS. has been my dream for the last however many years... I can't bail out of that for 800 euros of cold feet. But the thought of traveling without plan... particularly the part that I'd been so eagerly awaiting- doing all of this alone. is getting to me. It's finally getting to me. I need some warm socks. Because I know. I'm lucky as hell. Hell isn't very lucky. But whatever lucky is. That's what I currently am. And this luckiness is only short-lived.

Re: i regazzi. I still haven't found my italian stallion. At this rate, I may have to die alone. Or lower standards for the experience. The latter, to which I have actually been duly contemplating.. but have so far only come up with the most eloquent of retorts: fuck that. Or in italian-english: I think...... no. hahaha

Argh. Ok. Really. Must stop procrastinating and study.

Buona notte! You are now 10 hours ahead.

P.S. I haven't done this in a really long time. I may have reverted to year 9 shenanigans but this feels less FACEBOOK-y.

Young: COME STAI? Really. How are you? I read one of your poems and for the first time or maybe not the first time but the first time in a while, I didn't get it. I just didn't get it. It wasn't that you were describing a different place. Simply that I missed something. This makes me sad. What are you currently reading? and as an excuse: italian post is a joke. also. expensive. What was the name of the toothpaste again?

Simon: Failblog. Fail-life. Post more. ADESSO. I DEMAND. TU DEVI.

Matt: I'm still laughing at your mid-head-shaved pic. Also you are my one commenter. But where are your posts? I feel like we've somehow reversed in our roles. HAHA. Also today, I took off my pants (nice) ("don't be weird") (role reversal complete) (omg. I'm schizophrenic) and I realised HOW WHITE MY LEGS ARE (nice). I am really looking forward to seeing you and being white. What are you doing for Christmas?

Mish: I owe you an email. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Da dove cominciare?

2009-10-20T23:14:00.000+02:00

Well, for one thing. I had to look that up on google translator. Which is VERAMENTE tempi triste. TRULY sad times. Il mio italiano e orrible...

Regazzi. The high is coming down. I didn't believe it could be possible. I'd been here for 1.5 months. Si. Ora. Sono stata qui per due mesi. and up till this point. I could have just killed myself and I would have died a TRULY happy man. Wo-man. So much WOO- that it would have fireworked itself out of the sentence to leave me as a man. I'm talking shit out of my brain. I don't want to actually delve into the slightly neurotic thunkings that have been laying dormant for this crazy. fantastico ride.

Actually, I still don't.

(Anche. CAN YOU GUYS BLOG ALREADY?) (PUOI REGAZZI .... blog already) hahahahahha it better get better than this by the time I come back.

Failing at life.

2009-10-13T17:27:00.001+02:00

I have come to Italy and acquired a British accent. This is what enunciating does to you. HAHAHAHA

Am finally getting to this (later)

2009-09-03T18:33:00.000+02:00

It still trips me out that I'm actually IN Italy. I think the only time I really realise it is when I want to talk to someone and I realise that there's actually a time difference and that 8 hours is a significant one at that.

First impressions were blase to be honest. I got here in August and was greeted with a ghost town (literally) for the first week and a half. Shops weren't open. Nobody was walking down the streets. August in Italy is supposedly the month for month-long travels to the South and the beach. I had heavy 'why the hell did I choose this place' doubts after having just come from the beauty that is Paris. I can't believe I can actually say this. Here I am, lying in bed (some things don't change haha) comparing worlds that I'd only ever dreamed of. Woo! I'm freaking here. (realised it again) hahaha

I saw my brother's face on facebook hanging out at Epping GJ's and I got sad thinking that the bitch hadn't emailed me after that one, first time. And then I realised that neither had I. :( Emails are hard guys. So much has happened because everything is still so new and exciting and trying to organise these stories and thoughts into one long "HURRO" requires more than time (tempo) (ITALIAN PROPS FOR SURE) haha.

Ok. Random list and realisation starts now. (Sharon. This is on repeat haha)

1. This world is truly not english speaking. The fact that this is a foreign concept to me is naive I know because I've been to Korea and how many dirties did we get for parading our English skills. But Italian is comprised of letters that are consistent with the english alphabet and derived from Latin, I was half expecting to get past with hand signals, exhuberance and speaking slowly. This borders on racism. But anyway. I was wrong. Jurifail.

The other day, it took me 30+ minutes to find salt from the local supermarket (that's finally opened because SEPTEMBER HAS ARRIVED. Tequila shots woo! haha) Anyway, I walked through every. single. aisle and found the area for condiments- oregano, pepper (piccante), tomato sauce, chilli flakes. No salt. So after scouring. SCOURING the aisles a second time, I asked the meat/cheese servers where the salt was. No capito. I kept repeating Dov'e (where is) "SALT"/"NOT PICCANTE"/(actioning out tequila shots because I had limes in my hand. Their faces: Truly wtf is this asian girl doing. After embarassing myself for a full couple of minutes, I apologised and decided to try searching again. Walked a couple of aisles when I remembered: ZUCCHERO! FREAKING AWESOME.

Ran to the meat and cheese counter and excitedly asked where the ZUCCHERO was. They cheered for me. Every one was smiles and giggles. The asian girl was back. But they pointed me to the end of Aisle 4.

Where I promptly realised that zucchero = sugar (not salt). It was also stacked by itself next to the detergents, cleaning agents and frozen foods. Italian supermarket organisation FAIL. I also couldn't go back and admit that it was not zucchero that I was searching for. Called my friend who told me salt = SALE. Something I should have thought of 20minutes before. Went to the checkout women and asked them for the salt. But couldn't understand her directions, she kept repeating FONDO (and we hadn't gotten to that in class yet -_- ) FREAKING LUCKILY the person in front of me spoke some basic english. Fondo meant BACK BEHIND THE VEGETABLES. I found the salt! Next to the antipasti. Opposite the cheese. By itself.

It was dark by the time I started walking home and it had still been light when I'd entered the supermarket almost an hour earlier.

2. Italians are dark. REALLY DARK. The girls are also not as fashionable as I'd expected. Then again, up till this week, true Italians have been far and in between because of the whole ghost town thing. I still don't think I've seen the real Milan yet. Classes don't officially start till 9th Sept and realistically most start a week after that so everyone's still very much holidaying and not here.

Italian guys on the other hand. Frk. They are so fashionable. I am in a city where everyone's wearing loafers, suit pants have been rolled up to just above the ankle and jumpers are actually strewn across the shoulders as a stylish addition to the outfit. The suits are all slim and fitting and not only black but beige (for summer). Light coloured pants- light pink and light yellow are fitted with crisp blue shirts. Everyone looks beautiful. Omg.

3. I am actually getting more attention here than in Sydney. But it's the wrong kind. 50+ year olds get such a kick out of saying "Ni Hao" to me. I've heard it at least a dozen times on the streets alone. I just smile awkwardly or walk by quickly with a Ciao and let them believe what they will.

4. I am actually really, really bad at Italian. Conjugating doesn't exist in my vocabulary. Having grown up speaking english, grammar has always just mostly been what sounds right or what looks right (because I was a reader). I've never had to consciously think of what third person plural even is.

The other night, the bartender said I was prettier when I spoke english so just stick with that because I was more or less butchering what little Italian I knew. TRUE FML.

Argh. Must go eat and get ready to go out. Maybe flick through my Italian notes because I slept in today heheheheheheehehehehehehehe!

Tell me about Sydney guys. I'm craving chilli food hard right now :(

But omg. There's so much cheese here. After showering today, I looked at my face in the mirror awkwardly because there's more there than I could last recall.

Realisation: I've started to gain weight.

...

RE: Exchange

2009-08-08T14:17:00.000+02:00

ARGH.

I feel like I've already gone... God. It's been so long since I started saving for this and so long past the peak of my excitement that all I'm left with is the dread of knowing that as lonely as I am now. Here. In Sydney. That loneliness is going to multipy tenfold in 10 days. That's right.

10. days.

(:()

RE: EDIT

Exchange goal 1: Change depressive, muchly self-loathing, insecure perspectives on life.

Junk in the Trunk

2009-07-24T17:58:00.000+02:00

These blog entries are becoming much more far and in between than I'd like. I feel like I've lost what little writing capacity I had. I don't know. I used to want to write about so many things that I'd have to collate and mentally note down for future writing purposes and now I have to sit, stare into space and think of what recent thunkings I've actually had. The monotony of both my jobs are obviously not helping mental growth in any way. Anyway (haha) albeit small, what with Matt and his imminent DTS adventure and my leaving in 3 weeks, I think we are at the cusp of a 'beginning' of sorts. You know when you look back and categorise certain events as having triggered this and that e.g. Cattle Club, 4 Unit English, Commerce. I think this is one of them.

Desire for a total YES-MAN type philosophy is still becoming prematurely depressed by my irrational fear of intimacy though :(. I wish I could somehow pinpoint the steps that I took into becoming this person that I now am because it'd make it a little easier to revert back to carefree, Hakuna Matata fun times. Ergh. Inner frustation.

Re: Weight. I gained it back.

Re: Scarves. Freaking love 'em. Easy volume. Easy colours. Warmth. The only stylish addition to the rest of my outfit. Awesome.

Re: Leaving. I'm going to miss my bed. And my mum. And my dad. And kimchi. I've been consciously dismissing the thought that I shall soon be leaving the comfort of Epping whilst applying for the million and one things I should have already done. And guys, thoughts on hostels? I.e. the 21 beds in a room hostels? Which we have decided we shall not YET be staying at purely because our travel noob-ness requires us to ease ourselves into it.... (a lame excuse but nonetheless, the current one) It would cut our hefty accommodation $$$$ in half though. Something I can't dismiss nearly as easily as I would like. I'm going to be such a tight ass all year and it makes me so sad :(

Re: 17 again. I wouldn't have taken Zac Efron back. Giving me an emotional spiel about how things should have been and what one felt 20 years ago doesn't seem like enough. I'm going to suck ass at being in a relationship. Argh. Argh. Argh.

Will leave it at that for tonight. I'm so tired. I feel like I haven't had a proper sleep-in for ... weeks now. This could probably be the first time in my life that I've lasted this long without one. HAHAHA. Man. I'm so lazy at heart.

Laptops are awesome.

2009-07-06T16:03:00.000+02:00

Am currently typing this in bed with the blankets wrapped up to my neck. I have a singlet, T-shirt, skivvy, jumper, bed/bath/home/spotted robe, a scarf, tights, pants, socks, bed socks, heating pack, mini blanket, two bed blankets and an electric blanket on top of and underneath me respectively. I'm not sweating. It must be really cold. And I must have the world's shittest immune system.

How is everyone? My life's been quite busy. Busy but bland. (Alliteration props right here). I'm starting to get annoyed at customers who talk unnecessarily... the thrill of knowing the answer re: Sony devices has given way to the realisation that there are only a set number of resolutions that I'll be able to give and if your question doesn't fit into one of those resolutions- I'm wasting my time. I used to love talking to people about their day and their random, offhanded comments and now I just rush to get the call finished as soon as I can, reduce my AHT from the dismal 8minutes that it is- when so many of the other full-timers have it at 5-6. This is sad times.

I'm also realising that I'm nowhere closer to knowing what I want to do after I graduate than I was at the end of high school. It's not enough to know that I'm doing the wrong majors and maybe even the wrong course if I'm not doing anything to change it. I'm just delaying my graduation for as long as possible, which is not altogether the smartest way to deal with this...

In positively excellent news however, my month-long sickness has helped me lose weight . Everybody just drop their jaws RIGHT NOW . hahahaha I still look the same. My face is the same. My fringe needs to be cut. But the scales (a couple of days ago) suggested a 1.5kg loss. I need to like someone so they can appreciate the beautification that is this time before I drown in carbohydrates in the coming months.

Ironically, my 21st seems to have been the perfect grounds for blossuming love and hookups. I don't know how I feel about this to be quite honest. Am thinking of just leaving it. I'm not going to be here to deal with the consequences anyway and for those who have had desperate times recently, who am I to intrude hahaha

Re: 21st. Guys, it was awesome, to say the least. I am truly obnoxious to make everybody stand around listening to 6 speeches. Six. I think about this number and to this day, freak out. But I'm so glad that you gois were there for me in my celebratory hour, obviously some more than others (HAHAHA) but regardless, I'll cherish that day for the entire time I'm in Italy. Even if nothing works out, at least on the night I looked as good as I'm ever going to be HAHAHA :) and you guys know right? You're the best friends I've gained from my 21years of life.... :)

(with love)

Staying home on a Saturday night produces these results

2009-06-20T14:10:00.000+02:00

God. I laughed out loud so hard hahahahahahaha

Imagine putting contacts on with these.

Bender egging him on is the best part HAHAHA

Oh, hello Italy!

In other news... I've become another korean fan girl :(

Why is everyone so freaking good looking?

......

(and just because it's not complete without Buster HAHAHAHAHA)

I think I'll just stop for a moment

2009-06-10T15:50:00.000+02:00

and express my love for MESHELL LAW, without whom, stress would have killed me 100 times over by now...

( I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO DO WITHOUT YOU ALWAYS BEING ONE PHONE CALL AWAY IN MY HOUR(S) OF NEED........................................................................ )
(SHAKING AND CRYING.)
(HAHAHA)

(No... but seriously)

( I ruff you Meesh :) !! )

I'm stressed.

2009-06-08T18:24:00.000+02:00

I'm stressed about everything but exams. Today has been a huge, long, wasteful day. Having woken up early (because wth? my body clock has suddenly adapted to 8am starts) I have lounged around all day, watched 10hours worth of Grey's Anatomy. Actually probably more than that. 12 hours of Grey's Anatomy. Slowly dripping to parents that I need help but them just not feeling that. I have too much pride. I can't believe I'm going to go in less than a couple of months. I can't believe it's nearly my birthday. I want to suddenly BACK OUT OF EVERYTHING NOW and stop working because everything is too . real . OMG . Needs to calm down. My brother smells like smoke. Freaking hate him.

In Russell Peters' - Indian accented - voice: "Hey man.... Aren't we cool. ?"

2009-05-31T16:03:00.000+02:00

I think I've found my inner ruse. All these years, I've always thought that there had been some sort of mistake in the way that I'd ended up at the best selective school in Sydney. It's daunting just thinking about it actually, I even find myself almost doubting the fact that I went there from year 7 - 12 when I see the kids rushing out at Epping Station for the (then 624.. but don't know what the numbers are now) buses. I still don't believe that I really am as smart as the top 1% or whatever it is in the state but it's always hurt to hear that incredulous "really?" when mentioning the name of the high school that "yea... I really . did" go to. Sometimes I even think that my little flout with depression was actively generated by me trying to justify my own intelligence by trying to answer life's unanswerable questions. Or maybe it was just my own pride thinking that I'd be the person to finally do it. Have the solid, step by step answer from A to B, from athiesm to conversion, from the sludge of whatever to the real and undeniable truth. There's a lot wrong with that particular mindset and approach. But that's a little bit off topic...

I don't go to raves. Or music festivals. Or have a crazy x-y-z knowledge of cars. I didn't hang out at the local pub last night. Or hook up with that guy from work. I don't even hug you every chance I get. I don't know all the Koreans in Sydney (even though we're all supposed to). I don't drive. I catch the train home heaps by myself. I tend to go to a lot of places by myself compared to most people. I like a lot of losers. Words really turn me on (hahaha - maybe this is too honest, maybe I should have said something along the lines of - they truly are the key to my heart). I like furrowed eyebrows, the kind you get when we're arguing.

Or maybe I'm jsut confusing myself with the circumstances I'm in right now. That I don't have friends to go to festivals with because I don't know?, nobody I'm close to does. Maybe I'm too frigid.

Regardless, I'm more than just a bit of a loser. hahahahaha Shut up. This is news for me. hahahahaha

Italy's getting closer...

2009-05-26T14:16:00.000+02:00

Today I got my OS-Help from the Rudd government.

Reliability.

2009-05-25T12:59:00.000+02:00

So thank God, the previous week has come and gone. Really and truly. What a way to make me insane. Plus on top of everything else, I ended up being ultimately sick (in true Juri style- losing voice, watery eyes, runny nose, wanting to kill myself rah rah rah). (On that note, I wish I had a better immune system).

Anyway, the serious topic of choice today is dependability, the opposite of constant flitting, "hey, are you busy?" "yea.... but what's up anyway?", knowing that someone's words and opinions and quotes are meaningful, not being late.

There's a fine line between stupidity and hopin' that this ends up straddling.

Realistically putting two and two together one should come to the conclusion that this time, like last time will be a mess, justification upon excuse upon failed promises will once again be stacked on till frustration (on both ends) forces you to leave it with a heaving sigh. The whole process becomes twinged with sadness because there is never a lack of heart in the hope of both the unreliable and the one waiting, that this time. might be different.

But it never is.

See, I can empathise.

I always believe (...somewhat) that tomorrow I might end up getting there on time, early even. There are always potential plans. Getting up an hour earlier than normal. The alarm is almost always set.

The un-cynic always seems to win. Because it's more about me... So I don't know whether to give it all up. Let go. Not care. Listen with one ear and let it trickle out the other because you never know what next time might be anyway.

Bias. (I'd hate it if it was me.)

(Awkward pause)

On a lighter note...

The guy on the left's name is not Ambrose Tong.
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

He's a guy at work (Sony). I only picked the similarity about a week ago. How crazy is it?

A whole lot of random

2009-05-12T14:24:00.000+02:00

1. I think Alexis Bledel is so so pretty.

2. The sea freaking scares me. Like seriously, wth is this.

3. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA (even though I don't even watch the Office; which I'm assuming this is from... and I don't know anything more about what's going on than the 3 seconds of hilariousness that is this and is repeated HAHAHAHA)

4. I've semi-lost my voice because of work.

Everyday (self absorbed) musings hahaha

2009-05-03T15:28:00.000+02:00

Things that make me think I'm developing OCD
1. I never put my mouth directly onto the lips of a bottle particularly with water e.g. Mt Franklin bottles, because when I'm about a third into drinking it, I can SMELL my saliva and thus have contaminated the fresh, clean, 'never been used until ME' plastic. I try to maintain this with cans as well but it's a little harder considering the top is particularly shaped for the bottom lip to rest on it.
2. At Muffin's 21st, the cake was sponge/'sseng cream' (btw: reminder that I have this illogical hatred for the after-smell of milk) and despite trying, I couldn't speak to certain people for significant periods of time for the rest of the night because they'd eaten it and I could smell that smell on their breath...
3. I can't stand dry lips. Whenever I go anywhere whether it be work, the TV room, in front of the computer, in bed- somewhere I'm going to stay put in for more than a couple of minutes- I always have some sort of lip balm there with me. I would realistically say that I'd probably reapply at least once for every hour I'm awake.
4. On that note, I love to moisturise my face. Since having gotten up this morning I've moisturised my face 4 times. And I'll moisturise at least twice after I wash and get ready to sleep.
5. In the Summer months, I carry around a Body Butter specifically to moisturise my elbows. I do it less during Winter 1. because I have so many clothes on it takes a lot longer to roll up all my sleeves and jackets for the express purpose of moisturising (so yes I know that my actions are fairly ridiculous) but most significantly 2. because my elbows are covered with longer sleeves, I don't notice their dryness as much.
6. I wash my feet whenever I take my shoes off, no matter the situation, no matter whose house.
7. One word- condiments. Or two words- tomato sauce.

Things that make me reevaluate my OCD-ness as unnecessary Juridrama
1. My room is messy. (TRUE understatement)
2. I don't shower everyday. Obviously I do in the Summer when every day is disgusting times but I can go without one -or like my brothers, up to three times during those Summer days (seriously). I can see Michelle judging me with her 'YOU ARE DISGUSTING' eyes from Liberty Grove. I hate you.

On another note, I've been thinking how many of the stupid, random and impulsive decisions you make can eventually become significant CORNERSTONES of personalities e.g. the Olive theory. Marshall never really hated olives, it was just a small (slightly skewed) opinion that he voiced which became permanent for the next however many years. Likewise, this not-eating-beef thing got out of hand. But most particularly, there are so many smaller things that I've mentioned as a passing comment to a friend which I've felt the need to justify even though it's not entirely as true and passionate as initially implied and even if neither they nor anyone else remembers....

Also. I found it really interesting that in my International Studies class, I was the only one who didn't totally and absolutely believe the legitimacy of Global Warming. Not saying that I don't think it exists but I think that there remains significant evidence to the contrary of which I only really know one haha- that carbon levels have increased from 2000+ but global warming has been relatively stable thus the correlation between the two is in no way substantive in the same way that the relationship had been used to 'prove' the earth melting away a couple of years before... I guess cynicism knows no bounds. And that it really doesn't provide answers- only a whole lot of 'you'll just never know'. Sucks. But still- I was the only one (?) (Peer pressure is making me doubt myself haha)

***

And just because it's hilarious hahahaha:

(Such a mix of feelings between AWWWWWWWW! and Stupid, disgusting kid! HAHAHA)
(Awwwwwwww!)

A sort of downer update. It's late.

2009-04-23T16:54:00.000+02:00

Sometimes I think I may have run out of things to say. On occasion I'll say something funny and witty and I'll surprise myself that I had it in me... And then work off that till it means less than nothing. I only ever repeat the same stories, build the same momentum, use the same phrases- though I guess that's a reflection of the greatness of all of them haha. Good times. The market research place which I shall refer to as the 'Mascot' job follows the same introduction for every single call. By the second hour, the words for the first 30seconds are pretty much down pat. It's a little sad when I come to realise that I've unconsciously paused, sped up and changed my tone in all the same places for the last four calls and reminding myself to slow down the next one is me 'changing it up a bit'. Nice. Makes me wonder how much of that is paralleled in my day to day life.

This has also been a long time coming but I think I've decided to consolidate my opening phrase when picking up my mobile with a Hello in English rather than Korean. Strange to think that I've actually done this for so much of my life. I guess it's the one thing that was drilled into me since I was fairly young.. and I've decided to lose it. Nice. (This Nice. thing is becoming a pattern. Extra props for versatility of my great phrases re: point 1)

As you can probably tell, I've had a really fulfilling week. Have been rolling around on the floor because I just couldn't contain all my excitement in a sitting position. More than anything it's been super stressful and I think I'm starting to lose it. I'm already burning out... It's the first time so many things have conflicted and I keep telling myself it's all worth it but then I look at my pay and it's like, REALLY? IS IT REALLY? Up till now it's been smooth sailing so I guess something had to give eventually.

Sad focal point of the week though: Twas the first time in my life that I've failed to hand an assessment in on time. (serious)

Edit: God. Just comparing- the tone in this and my previous post is so different. Truly laughed out loud. I should update more often instead of creating these gaping inconsistencies. Though I guess Tobias is my constant (Re: LOST) He always makes me laugh hahahaha

Late night Macca's

2009-04-15T08:05:00.000+02:00

I remember a couple of months back, after I'd come back from the Philippines (BEST TIME OF MY LIFE) (and why yes, I am the hottest girl in the Philippines hahaha) and was in need of a massive catch up with anyone other than MICHELLE LAW (Hi Mish :)!) I had a pretty lengthy conversation on McDonald's eatings with (S)He Who Must Not Be Named.

I know it sounds like HEAPS riveting conversation (shut up, it was) but after tangent upon tangent upon tangent, we came to an old friend of hers whose family bought named friend Macca's meals for dinner at least a couple of times a week.

There was a time when THIS would have taken the spot for the BEST TIME OF MY LIFE (7 year old fatty Juri) but after realising the health consequences of multiple Big Mac meals/week and starting to appreciate real, tasty and unprocessed GARLIC NAANs (haha) you can't always be expected to share that same enthusiasm.

Anyway, yesterday was the first time I had a McD's meal in months and you know what? Sometimes you just have to embrace the fat. Twas FREAKING YUM HAHAHA. The burger had TWO spinach leaves ! (Must. suppress. sarcasm.) And I finished off 6 tomato sauce packets. Amazing times. hahahaha

Besides that, yesterday was also the day I learnt one of the most (if not, THE MOST) useful phrase I've learnt in Italian.

DI SICURO . (FOR SURE)

Now all I need is GOOD TIMES (Bene tempo? Bene Ore?) Sad to say but I don't think it's fully translatable to the nth degree.

Anyway, I digress. Point of my life is that Tobias was right-

"It's a wonderful restaurant!"

(It sure is)

I've missed this.

2009-04-12T19:20:00.000+02:00

Somewhere between the teenage blogging fad in which I fit myself quite comfortably and the realisation that other people were actually reading what I was writing, I think I accidentally ventured into a semi-state of paranoia where justifications became more prominent than actual opinions and the (self inflicted) pressure to whisper rather than speak (read: write haha) stunted any form of understandable discourse... which is sad because I don't really know what to say anymore. The consequences of the longwinded and inreconcilable internal conflicts, half spoken words, abandoned thoughts, abandoned people and breaking off of too many identifiable pieces were finally felt. Sad to say, it was NOT GOOD TIMES.

But here I toast to a new(ish) beginning ! Where hopes are still had, readers are sparse and the page is clean and white (nice!) haha

It feels good to be back .
(Wish me luck !)